How can I long to be married without obsessing about it?

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From Ask Pastor John on desiringgod.org

How can I long to be married without obsessing about it?

I suppose the dynamics of that question and its answer relate not just to marriage, but to almost any strong desire that you have, especially a desire relating to people.

So my mind broadens out from the marriage issue to ask, “Why do we obsess about anything? Why do we have overweening preoccupations with anything?”

The reason is because God and his Son don’t have the place in our hearts that they should have. The human heart is a God-shaped vacuum—Pascal said that—and it’s designed for God to fill. And if we have small views of God, and inadequate perceptions of his greatness and his glory and his love for us and his sufficiency for us, then there will be big cavernous places in our souls. And they will be churning out these desires that are just huge and controlling, whether it’s a spouse or sexual things or money or praise of man or revenge.

A lot of people are just consumed. They can’t seem to shake it. And I think the answer there is not so much, “Fight, fight, fight! Stop doing that! Stop doing that!” but rather, “Devote yourself to knowing and loving God. Immerse yourself in the Word.”

So when it comes to desiring a spouse you admit, “Of course, I’d like to be married. And Lord, would you work that? Would you do that?” And then you rest in him. Delight yourself in the Lord. Get all of your desires focused on him, and then those desires will be managed in such a way that in due season God will satisfy them. That’s what we’re doing for our Fighter Verse this week. “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

We were talking about that verse at our staff meeting the other day, in relation to marriage. And I forget who said it, but someone said that the problem is that we treat “Delight yourself in the Lord” like a tool. Like, “OK, I’ve done that. Why am I not married yet?” As though “Delight yourself in the Lord” is a quick little turn of the key, and you get what you want.

It isn’t like that. Delighting yourself in the Lord is an all-consuming, day-by-day quest to bring all of our desires into that one great desire, so that he does satisfy.

So you walk into a group of people, and your mindset should be, “Lord, I’m just going to be there for others, like you’ve been there for me. I’m not going to look at every person as a candidate for doing for me what my cavernous needs require right now. You’ve met those needs. I’m going to be there for others. And you do what you want. I’ll trust you.”

So the answer is to get our orientation off of our needs and onto the needs of others, and that’s only possible if God fills up that vacuum. Which means we should really devote ourselves to knowing him and being content in him.

Audio & video here.

“What can I do to love you?”

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Tonight I sat at dinner chatting to 2 of my dear Christian sisters, watching each of them fight back tears talking about the lovely, non-Christian men pursuing relationships with them. As they were talking about the things they find the hardest about the situation, I realised there are 2 things that make the loneliness they’re feeling worse –

  1. Their non-Christian friends simply don’t get it – they don’t understand why a woman would turn down a guy based on something they equate with a hobby
  2. (As much as I HATE the us/them divide) their married friends don’t get it either –  maybe it’s because they have never experienced being in your 30’s and single but it seems like most married people have no comprehension of how intense that loneliness is. Some of the most insensitive and ridiculous comments I’ve heard have come from married Christian friends.

Harsh, I know but I’m so frustrated. As Christians surely we should be trying harder. Because it’s not simply a matter of whether of not you can sympathise with someone, it’s about trying to work out how to love them despite being unable to sympathise. Married friends – when was the last time you had a conversation with a single christian friend about their struggle with singleness? And who initiated it? If you’re not sure how to be helpful to them I recommend this question – ‘what can I do to help you?’. You could also substitute the word ‘help’ for ‘support’ or ‘love’ – but be prepared to follow through.

Anyway, I was thankful tonight that I’m single, so I could love my sisters. Please pray for them.

God is good. All the time.

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I really love holidays. Relaxing is good but what I really like is time to think. I feel like my life at college and church is so much about learning that I barely have time to stop and process new information.

Of course the stuff I need to think about the most is often not new but the same old thoughts that often plague me. Today I sit and read ‘Knowing God’ (Packer) with a gorgeous view in front of me (pic below).

I’m reading a chapter called God Unchanging. I know God is good, but more than that I know he is God to me. This picturesque view is just one example of the good things he has given me, all of which are second to the salvation I have in Jesus. So why do I constantly doubt his goodness? Why am I so easily tempted to think he is withholding good from me?

Solving the problem of evil

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Henri Blocher says this of the problem of evil

God wills what is good directly, simply, for himself; he wills evil only in a different manner, while hating it at the same time. Whereas God himself works good by making it, evil is always the deed of one or of several created beings.

A young Augustine said

Evil is nothing but the removal of good until finally no good remains*

It’s no surprise that my study group was unable to solve the problem of evil today. But there were 2 things that we reflected on, however briefly, that I think are worth further thought.

First – when we are in the middle of evil or suffering, knowing that we have a God who has also been in the middle of great and real evil and suffering, actually does help

Second – the apparent tension of a sovereign God who is responsible and yet not culpable for evil is a logical and philosophical nightmare! And yet when we move from theory to experience, it’s often easier to grasp. We may not be able to articulate it, but when we look retrospectively at suffering we often can see both things, and understand them together, with greater clarity

It feels easier to have these discussion in the abstract, but it can be the experience that adds richness to our understanding.

*An older Augustine was slightly bemused at his younger self. In his early days he wrote a book called Beauty and Proportion which he later had all copies burned. His older self elaborated on this privation theory of evil, adding the personal element of our distorted desires

This fb free day…

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… has not been entirely fb free, I’ll admit it. But I only used it to organise a real, face-to-face conversation with someone, and to wish my cousin HB so I’m calling it a win ;-)

Today I’ve used most of my day studying, but the afternoon I’m still dedicating to prayer and friends. My prayer points have been updated, I’ve spent some time praying for others, and right now I’m about to have coffee with the most lovely, and much missed, Belinda. Fb free life is good!

22

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Lily Allen seems to have quite a talent for writing songs that resonate with her fans. Every time I hear ’22’ I’m amazed at how much I feel like this is about me.

When she was 22 the future looked bright
But she’s nearly 30 now and she’s out every night
I see that look in her face, she’s got that look in her eye
She’s thinking how did I get here and wondering why

It’s sad but it’s true how society says her life is already over
There’s nothing to do and there’s nothing to say
‘Til the man of her dreams comes along
Picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age

She’s got an alright job but it’s not a career
Whenever she thinks about it, it brings her to tears
‘Cause all she wants is a boyfriend, she gets one night stands
She’s thinking how did I get here, I’m doing all that I can

It’s sad but it’s true how society says her life is already over
There’s nothing to do and there’s nothing to say
‘Til the man of her dreams comes along
Picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age

I get that. When I turned 22 I was living with my partner of 3 and half years, and we were planning a marriage and children. Now, 6 months away from turning 30, I get what she’s singing about. It does feel like society thinks your life is over. Every day marriage seems less and less likely, which is a hard reality to come to terms with a lot of the time.

Here’s another description that was true of the 22-year-old me.

And you were dead in your trespasses and sins in which you previously walked according to this worldly age, according to the ruler of the atmospheric domain, the spirit now working in the disobedient. We too all previously lived among them in our fleshly desires, carrying out the inclinations of our flesh and thoughts, and by nature we were children under wrath, as the others were also. Ephesians 2:1-3

And the almost 30-year-old me…

But God, who is abundant in mercy, because of His great love that He had for us, made us alive with the Messiah even though we were dead in trespasses. By grace you are saved! He also raised us up with Him and seated us with Him in the heavens, in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages He might display the immeasurable riches of His grace in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:4-6

Whatever ‘society’ might say, reality is that God, through Christ has brought me from death to life!

So I’ll keep reminding myself that though it seems like Lily has put my life into song, she missed the most important bit – I’ve been saved and seated in the heavens with Christ, my saviour and my God, and I’ll praise him for it for all eternity!