What not to say to your single friends… #6

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Holding_hands_by_homarte

So this is not strictly in line with the rest of this series because this is something you SHOULD say if your friends start dating someone

#6 – Ask about physical boundaries in their relationship

Talk about an awkward conversation right! But what a great way to encourage your friend in their godliness.

I suspect most people don’t want everyone in the world to be around for this convo – so best ask this one when its just the two of you. Encourage them to talk about this with their bf/gf. Also encourage them to have at least one person who they talk openly with about this, and who is willing to hold them accountable to the boundaries they have set.

Once I had a friend of mine give me a piece of paper with specific ‘rules’ her and her bf had set for themselves. At the bottom of the paper was a note for the people they had shared this with which said ‘Please put this somewhere you will see it and remember to pray for us as we seek to be godly in our relationship’ – what a great idea!

Of course if you ask the question you need to be prepared to hold them accountable – which means holding their godliness higher than their friendship.

Why do physical boundaries matter?

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. 1 Thessalonians 3:4

The Pilgrim’s Podcast

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pplogo-150x150Some mates of mine from college, Mark and Steve have their very own weekly podcast!

They gave me some shout outs in this week’s episode so I thought it was only fair (since they asked on air ;) ) that I give them a shout out of my own – Love your work men!

The Pilgrim’s Podcast is some fun banter between Mark and Steve as they interview guests from inside and outside of college and chat about God, SMBC love spot, shnouncements  and various other things. Keep listening to hear my cameo!

Visit their blogs to listen or subscribe on iTunes.

Coming up after the break….

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According to Steve its good policy on your blog to keep people interested by letting them know what’s coming up.

I have a few more posts coming on ‘What not to say to your single friends’, including some helpful insights on contentment from a guest blogger!

I am also going to do a series of posts looking at depression – what it is, how to recognise it, particular challenges it brings for Christian sufferers, and some advice for sufferers and carers. I always happy to hear your thoughts, especially on tough subjects like this so if you think there is something that should be discussed please let me know. Also if you have a story to tell (anonymously or otherwise) which would be helpful for others to hear I’d love to hear about that as well.

Once I have finished writing my OT essay (due Tuesday) I’ll be hoping to share some thoughts about Deuteronomy 24:1 – 4 and marriage/divorce in the Bible.

And honestly thats about as much forward thinking as I am willing to do so I hope something in there has caught your interest :)

Postsecret

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Postsecret was started by Frank Warren in 2004, when printed 3000 postcards with the follow invitation on them

You are invited to anonymously contribute a secret to a group art project. Your secret can be regret, fear, betrayal, desire, confession or childhood humiliation. Reveal anything – as long as it is true and you have never shared it with anyone before.
Steps:
Take a postcard, or two.
Tell your secret anonymously.
Stamp and mail the postacrd.

Tips:
Be brief – the fewer words used the better
Be legible – use big, clear and bold lettering
Be creative – let the postcard be your canvas

He left these postcards in art galleries, between pages of books in libraries and handed them out at train stations, for a few weeks. Then waited and the secrets started coming in.

He has made several books and a blog out of the secrets that continue to flood in.

Some are funny, some are incredibly sad, some are so foreign to me but many more than I would like could have been sent by me.

Its well worth checking out. Perhaps you’d even like to send your own secret.

A debilitating stigma…

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Depression

Here are some facts about Depression –

* 20% of young people will have experienced significant depressive symptoms by the time they reach adulthood
* At any point in time up to 5% of young people will experience depression serious enough to warrant treatment
* 1 in 4 women suffer from depression
* 1 in 6 men suffer from depression
* Depression related suicides rates are 4 times higher in men than women
* 121 million people suffer from depression (worldwide)
* Untreated depression is the no 1 cause of suicide
* Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in teenagers

And the saddest of all –

*2/3 of depression sufferers never seek treatment

I can’t help but think that the reason so many people don’t seek help is that they are scared of the stigma related to depression. So how do we get rid of an unwarranted stigma?? What part does education have to play??

Here are some sites that are doing good things for sufferers of this and other related mental illnesses.

To Write Love on Her Arms

beyondblue

Black Dog Institute

What not to say to your single friends… #5

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Is_It_Love__by_ArmyBrat1521

So is there anyone special in your life at the moment??

Its an exciting thing when you start dating someone. A good friend of mine recently started dating someone – so I can tell you from first hand experience that when they start seeing someone they WILL tell you. You will know because for a little while it will be all they talk about.

(By the way – I’m not saying that’s bad, just stating a fact)   ;)

This is the one thing that causes the most awkwardness for me. When someone asks me if there’s someone special around I feel like I suddenly have to defend myself. It’s usually something like ‘no but I’m really happy being single at the moment…. Yada yada yada…’ and I feel like I have to convince them that I’m single by choice and not because there’s something wrong with me.

I think this is one of the most common things I get asked. Just about everyone I know has asked me at least once. When you get this same question asked over and over again it can start to be a little tedious and depressing.

My suggestion is instead of asking this question ask them how their relationship with Jesus is going – that’s a much better conversation to have.

Chapel….

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Praying_HandsZ

Great sermon this morning from David Hohne on prayer.

God ALWAYS answers our prayers. Sometimes he answer with a no. So how do we know we can still trust him?

Arguably the biggest No he gave was to his son. Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane –

My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me

Whatever our ‘cup’ is, if the answer is no, are we able and willing to finish our prayer as Jesus did – yet not as I will, but as you will?

What not to say to your single friends… #4

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Fake_a_smile_by_Alephunky

#4 – When you learn to be content that’s when someone will come along

Really??

One problem with this piece of ‘advice’ is that it sends people into an unhelpful spiral of working for contentment so that they will find someone to marry. This creates a works-based understanding of God’s grace, which is unhelpful because it’s wrong. Here is a quote from Carolyn McCulley’s book ‘Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye’?

I’ve often heard married people say to singles that we won’t get married until we are content in our singleness.  I’m sure that it is offered by well-meaning couples who want to see their single friends happy and content in God’s provision, but it creates a works based mentality to receiving gifts, which can lead to condemnation.  The Lord doesn’t require that we attain to a particular state before he grants a gift.  We can’t earn any particular gift any more than we can earn our own salvation.  It’s all of grace.  However, we should humbly listen to our friends and receive their input about cultivating contentment.  We just shouldn’t attach it to the expectation a blessing.

(I have blogged about this before)

I think its also important to remember that singleness is not the only thing that leads to discontentment. Married people also struggle with contentment. In fact I would go as far as to say that discontentment and marital status are unrelated. It’s actually about God.

I’m pretty sure I have no authority to speak on the secret of contentment. But here are some words from a man who does –

I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12 – 13

Paul (who was single by the way) learned the secret of contentment. And he never married.

For such a time as this….

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I just got home from Equip 09.

What a great conference! This year we looked at Esther which is a great Old Testament book. I also attended an elective seminar on depression.

I have lots of thoughts from the day which hopefully I’ll blog over the next week or so but for now here is a picture of what greeted us on Darling Harbour as we left the convention centre. What a pleasant surprise!

23-05-09_1940

What not to say to your single friends… #3

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chicks

#3 – I can’t understand why you’re not married

Before I started writing these I asked a bunch of single friends the question of what they find unhelpful to hear and this one took me a bit by surprise at first.

But the more I thought about the more it made sense. Because while it may seem to be a compliment, it is actually making marital status about worth. “I can’t understand why you’re not married, because you seem worthy to me’ is the sentiment behind this.

Making marriage about a persons worth is clearly unbiblical thinking. In 1 Corinthians 7:7 both marriage and singleness are described as gifts that are given from God’s grace. To misunderstand marriage to be about worth puts us in a hopeless situation – because its likely to make us start working towards being worthy. And if we are working towards that end, I suspect that will take away from what we should be working towards. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:24

Each person should remain with God in whatever situation he was called.

I don’t think this necessarily means your situation won’t change…. but it might mean that. I think the important thing is that we should remain with God, whatever our situation, and do it to his glory. If you are single – be single to God’s glory and if you are married, be married to God’s glory. And that will be a little easier once we are clear in our knowledge that martial status is not about worth.

Because ultimately no-one is worthy of God’s grace or any of the good gifts he gives us.

Read #1 & #2